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Weight Loss and Breastsize
Yay! It's Sunday! The one day of the week where I take a rest from the anti-fungals. \o/
Yesterday, if i wasn't feeling ill and out of it, I was sleeping. It was really annoying. I'm surprised I was actually able to sleep and dream last night considering how much sleep I got during the day. I will need to look into more detox things as well as find more ways to support my kidneys and liver. My urine is colored from the supplements, but it's also darker than I'd like. Also, I'm feeling some ache in my lower back (kidneys) and inner thigh (liver - obviously that's not where the liver is, but I read inner thigh itchiness while detoxing means your liver is struggling.) I'm tempted to swap the castor oil and borax days, to be more gentle on myself but I also want to push through them. Another thing is, castor oil helps move things, and i like that even though I dislike the stuff so much. Decisions. Decisions. Anyway, I wanted to talk about weight loss.
Weight Loss and Breastsize
I wasn't sure if I should share this, but it's a kind of therapy for me, I guess.
I am a 5'6" big boned woman. I've had weight issues for as long as I can remember. I was a 38C and 190-195lbs before I got seriously ill. For some reason, I could not drop below 190.I tried diets and exercise. It was during exercise that I discovered I have hyper-trophic cardiomyopathy. I experienced symptoms like heart palpitations, passing out, etc. so looked them up. (I know. "Google Doc" etc.) but I had little choice) It's suppose to be a hereditary thing, and no one in my family had this so I dismissed it even though I felt it was spot on. My mother called some weeks later to tell me she had heart issues. I didn't tell her about mine. She continued to tell me that her brother was diagnosed with this and was only just telling her AFTER she experienced symptoms. I listened to her list of symptoms and went over the checklist in my mind. I matched.
During the beginning portions of Bill's Protocol, my heart issue worsened. I could not even push a vacuum without my heart struggling, forcing me to rest before a room was finished. My muscles were near gone. This was more the candida than the heart condition. I couldn't lift larger pots to wash them. I could barely manage to hold a medium sized pot by the handle for too long. Even plates were heavy for me at this point. I could hold 2 in one hand at most. Even 3 with two hands started to cause labored breath and palpitations. I had dropped weight fast, both fat and muscle. The candida was consuming it all. At some points, I felt my bones weaken from the inside. I lost 30lbs in 30 days and kept losing. My lowest was 128lbs. It sounds nice, doesn't it? That number looks good on paper, but I was clearly unfit.
Naturally, with weight loss, came breast reduction. I didn't measure out my breast size at my smallest, but I felt depleted of my female fat. At one point I held one up with my hand and scoffed because it reminded me of a patty. I tried to tell myself that this is better than dying. I made the mistake of trying on my bras. My 38C was like an infant trying on adult shoes. I tried my other sizes, with the lowest being a 36B. As expected, it only pooled at the bottom of the bra. I tried not to cry. I stopped wearing a bra at this point. If I was going to exert myself, I would wear a sports bra. On occasions when I would need to dash for something or try to snatch something far, I would hear my breast slap back against my torso and be reminded of this deflation. I was immediately embarrassed, hoping my roommate didn't hear that sound.
There are two things that I've always associated women with. Her hair, and her breasts. My mother is bald. She wears wigs. I used to have a thick, hair. It has taken 15 years for it to thin out. It's even now, but thinner in the front still. I have about 1/6th of the thickness I used to have. Jumbo hair claws were once the only thing that could tame my hair. Now, I use mini-claws. I still have some hair, so I'm grateful for that, but its lushness is gone.
The other beauty definer, as I said are breasts; at least in my eyes. As a kid, a lady mistook me for a boy, so I have since wanted to be sure to define myself as a woman - except, I'm the tomboy type. Still! I'm a girl, dammit! So yeah, health issues and Time, took my breasts away. At least that's how I felt. I didn't hold back my tears anymore. Whenever I got upset over my breasts, I would just cry it out. I really liked their size. I felt feminine without having to advertise, and when I started to lose the weight, i was looking forward to wearing pretty lingerie and maybe slightly more girly clothes. I wanted to look pretty for once, even if it was just for myself. I wanted to look "normal". I was too thin at this point and still losing weight. The bright side is that I no longer had to deal with some heavy deposits under my right breast. I don't know what it is, but I heard my brother's wife say that she was tested for that once and that it's normal for breasts to have those. Well, I get them frequently, this hard deposit under the breasts, against the torso. I would rub it at night to get things moving and it would gradually go away -whatever it was. Well, I hadn't experienced this since I got on the protocol. So that was a plus?
My thighs, the ones I inherited from my father's side; the ones that people in school called me "horse" for because I was a strong runner and kicked the ball back harder than most were the last to lose their structure and firmness. I loved my legs even though they weren't thin like other girls'. Kick ball was great because the other team was always forced back when I was up. I was a secret fan of Chun-Li growing up because she had strong legs and wasn't afraid to show them off. She highlighted them. My calves were strong too. I never did any exercises. I think it was just in the way I walked, and I walked a lot back then. I couldn't wear mini-skirts like my girlfriends did, though. My aunt said not to worry; that men liked girls with hips and legs like mine, but I never saw that proof. "It's a different era." I thought. I looked at the mottled skin on my legs. I could see how the candida is invading. Purple hues marbling underneath. At least my legs held lout as long as they could. I was proud of them. I thought, as I pressed the dangling flesh and loose skin. I was also angry. Sad and angry. These were my feelings about my body throughout the initial protocol phase up until last winter.
I had been off any protocol for 6 months at least. It was a year when I had last been consistent with a protocol. My weight started to return a little, and my breasts seemed to flesh out again. That hardness under the breast also returned. Still, I was curious. I needed to check, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. I put on a bra. I think it was a 36B, and to my surprise, it was full! I nearly cried. Actually, I think I did cry. It was here that I thought, "I can get through this. I can bounce back."
Like any war that devastates the land it is waged upon, Candida and the protocol was a scourge upon my body, but God gave creatures an amazing ability. Though limited, we have the ability to regenerate. In all the MMORPGs I've ever played, I've always been drawn to druids and healing over time. I can do this. My mindset has already gone through the simulations. This is a war being waged in my body, and after the first, I know what wretchedness I may face. I know I will get through it. I know I will bounce back from it. I know I will survive it. I just need to rebalance the candida vs flora, and heal the land from leaky gut. I can do this.
Yesterday, if i wasn't feeling ill and out of it, I was sleeping. It was really annoying. I'm surprised I was actually able to sleep and dream last night considering how much sleep I got during the day. I will need to look into more detox things as well as find more ways to support my kidneys and liver. My urine is colored from the supplements, but it's also darker than I'd like. Also, I'm feeling some ache in my lower back (kidneys) and inner thigh (liver - obviously that's not where the liver is, but I read inner thigh itchiness while detoxing means your liver is struggling.) I'm tempted to swap the castor oil and borax days, to be more gentle on myself but I also want to push through them. Another thing is, castor oil helps move things, and i like that even though I dislike the stuff so much. Decisions. Decisions. Anyway, I wanted to talk about weight loss.
Weight Loss and Breastsize
I wasn't sure if I should share this, but it's a kind of therapy for me, I guess.
I am a 5'6" big boned woman. I've had weight issues for as long as I can remember. I was a 38C and 190-195lbs before I got seriously ill. For some reason, I could not drop below 190.I tried diets and exercise. It was during exercise that I discovered I have hyper-trophic cardiomyopathy. I experienced symptoms like heart palpitations, passing out, etc. so looked them up. (I know. "Google Doc" etc.) but I had little choice) It's suppose to be a hereditary thing, and no one in my family had this so I dismissed it even though I felt it was spot on. My mother called some weeks later to tell me she had heart issues. I didn't tell her about mine. She continued to tell me that her brother was diagnosed with this and was only just telling her AFTER she experienced symptoms. I listened to her list of symptoms and went over the checklist in my mind. I matched.
During the beginning portions of Bill's Protocol, my heart issue worsened. I could not even push a vacuum without my heart struggling, forcing me to rest before a room was finished. My muscles were near gone. This was more the candida than the heart condition. I couldn't lift larger pots to wash them. I could barely manage to hold a medium sized pot by the handle for too long. Even plates were heavy for me at this point. I could hold 2 in one hand at most. Even 3 with two hands started to cause labored breath and palpitations. I had dropped weight fast, both fat and muscle. The candida was consuming it all. At some points, I felt my bones weaken from the inside. I lost 30lbs in 30 days and kept losing. My lowest was 128lbs. It sounds nice, doesn't it? That number looks good on paper, but I was clearly unfit.
Naturally, with weight loss, came breast reduction. I didn't measure out my breast size at my smallest, but I felt depleted of my female fat. At one point I held one up with my hand and scoffed because it reminded me of a patty. I tried to tell myself that this is better than dying. I made the mistake of trying on my bras. My 38C was like an infant trying on adult shoes. I tried my other sizes, with the lowest being a 36B. As expected, it only pooled at the bottom of the bra. I tried not to cry. I stopped wearing a bra at this point. If I was going to exert myself, I would wear a sports bra. On occasions when I would need to dash for something or try to snatch something far, I would hear my breast slap back against my torso and be reminded of this deflation. I was immediately embarrassed, hoping my roommate didn't hear that sound.
There are two things that I've always associated women with. Her hair, and her breasts. My mother is bald. She wears wigs. I used to have a thick, hair. It has taken 15 years for it to thin out. It's even now, but thinner in the front still. I have about 1/6th of the thickness I used to have. Jumbo hair claws were once the only thing that could tame my hair. Now, I use mini-claws. I still have some hair, so I'm grateful for that, but its lushness is gone.
The other beauty definer, as I said are breasts; at least in my eyes. As a kid, a lady mistook me for a boy, so I have since wanted to be sure to define myself as a woman - except, I'm the tomboy type. Still! I'm a girl, dammit! So yeah, health issues and Time, took my breasts away. At least that's how I felt. I didn't hold back my tears anymore. Whenever I got upset over my breasts, I would just cry it out. I really liked their size. I felt feminine without having to advertise, and when I started to lose the weight, i was looking forward to wearing pretty lingerie and maybe slightly more girly clothes. I wanted to look pretty for once, even if it was just for myself. I wanted to look "normal". I was too thin at this point and still losing weight. The bright side is that I no longer had to deal with some heavy deposits under my right breast. I don't know what it is, but I heard my brother's wife say that she was tested for that once and that it's normal for breasts to have those. Well, I get them frequently, this hard deposit under the breasts, against the torso. I would rub it at night to get things moving and it would gradually go away -whatever it was. Well, I hadn't experienced this since I got on the protocol. So that was a plus?
My thighs, the ones I inherited from my father's side; the ones that people in school called me "horse" for because I was a strong runner and kicked the ball back harder than most were the last to lose their structure and firmness. I loved my legs even though they weren't thin like other girls'. Kick ball was great because the other team was always forced back when I was up. I was a secret fan of Chun-Li growing up because she had strong legs and wasn't afraid to show them off. She highlighted them. My calves were strong too. I never did any exercises. I think it was just in the way I walked, and I walked a lot back then. I couldn't wear mini-skirts like my girlfriends did, though. My aunt said not to worry; that men liked girls with hips and legs like mine, but I never saw that proof. "It's a different era." I thought. I looked at the mottled skin on my legs. I could see how the candida is invading. Purple hues marbling underneath. At least my legs held lout as long as they could. I was proud of them. I thought, as I pressed the dangling flesh and loose skin. I was also angry. Sad and angry. These were my feelings about my body throughout the initial protocol phase up until last winter.
I had been off any protocol for 6 months at least. It was a year when I had last been consistent with a protocol. My weight started to return a little, and my breasts seemed to flesh out again. That hardness under the breast also returned. Still, I was curious. I needed to check, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. I put on a bra. I think it was a 36B, and to my surprise, it was full! I nearly cried. Actually, I think I did cry. It was here that I thought, "I can get through this. I can bounce back."
Like any war that devastates the land it is waged upon, Candida and the protocol was a scourge upon my body, but God gave creatures an amazing ability. Though limited, we have the ability to regenerate. In all the MMORPGs I've ever played, I've always been drawn to druids and healing over time. I can do this. My mindset has already gone through the simulations. This is a war being waged in my body, and after the first, I know what wretchedness I may face. I know I will get through it. I know I will bounce back from it. I know I will survive it. I just need to rebalance the candida vs flora, and heal the land from leaky gut. I can do this.